


Another head aches, another heart breaks

by Internetmeep



Series: Benway/Ballum journey [4]
Category: EastEnders (TV)
Genre: Aftermath of Violence, Homophobia, Internalized Homophobia, M/M, Minor Character Death, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Violence, as a memory
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-07
Updated: 2019-07-07
Packaged: 2020-06-22 17:19:05
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,766
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19674841
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Internetmeep/pseuds/Internetmeep
Summary: A look into what happens after Friday's (5th) episode. How Ben copes with what happened and how Callum copes with his brother knowing the truth.Will they be able to talk about what happened?





	Another head aches, another heart breaks

**Author's Note:**

> I know this has been done already but it turns out I am not very quick at fic writing - plus I have a stupid 1000 word minimum tending to 2000 words which is going to be my downfall. But I hope you enjoy it anyway.

Ben tends to wonder how someone could hate a group of people so much they would actively seek them out and do something like this. Especially when they wait outside a place so accepting, a place that feels so much like home, that when you leave, when you leave that euphoria is ripped from your hands and you're left bleeding out on the floor.

Ben hates himself, always has. It stemmed from his father, he could never be good enough for him, no matter how hard he tried, he was always too twisted, too kind-hearted and that would be his downfall. 

As he grew older, he was allowed a small respite from the hate. That was Paul. He loved Paul so much he forgot to hate himself, even stood up to his old man. Although that was partly thanks to Jay. But that didn't last long. No, that got taken from him, like everything else good in his life. And like everything else, it was his fault.

That euphoria had been very noticeable that night. He was in a pub with the love of his life, had a few drinks. Which is possibly the reason they became such a target, holding hands as they walked, smiling, laughing. They were in their own little world, which is perhaps why they didn't notice the group of blokes following them.

Ben knew he should have kept his mouth shut. But he was happy, and wasn't about to let them have the last word, how he wishes he had just left it now. 

Instead he watched them give the last hit, the one that killed Paul, and he was so drunk, and a little scared and he just left. He didn't know what else to do. But that meant he didn't realise what had happened until he stumbled back to the square. Him trying to out intimidate these people caused him to lose the one person he cared about. And with that, he hated himself once again.

He didn't learn his lesson though, still always trying to have the last word, but now, the only person that could get hurt was himself, and he did. A lot. Yes, maybe he liked the fighting, needed a way of punishing himself for what happened to Paul, and Heather and everything else bad he'd ever done. Not that anyone around him knew that, he didn't let anyone get close enough to notice.

However, he couldn't deny the fact that the fights tended to find him, and this one was no different. He might have started it a little, but all he did was flirt, Callum wanted to sleep with him. He'll admit that maybe he wouldn't let it slide, constantly gave digs, and he saw Stuart disapproved of him, but this came somewhat out of nowhere.

Stuart had stolen Callum's phone evidently, messaged Ben to meet him in the archers. He tried to stay strong, let it happen. But he was scared, for once in his life he had feared what was happening. He could only imagine how Paul must have felt when he was laying in a ditch, in his final moments. He was so stupid back then, blind to the world and it's terrors, thinking nothing could be worse than Phil, he was so wrong.

He could handle Stuart though, he hadn't fought back, not wanting to make the situation worse for Callum. It may seem weird that he was willing to let someone batter him for this bloke he hardly knew but he was really starting to care for him.

And so he was left, on the garage floor, unconscious and he stayed there for a large portion of the night. His mum assumed he'd pulled. Callum unaware of anything different. In that moment he truly felt like he had no one.

When he came to, he stayed there for a bit, merely accepting his fate before getting up and stumbling back to his place. He didn't bother cleaning himself up, didn't want to wake his mum or Bobby. So he slept on the sofa.

* * *

Callum has begun to wonder how a group of people can feel so free to be something so wrong. How people can dance and get drunk when the world around you is comparing you to nonces. He knew it wasn't right.

Callum hates himself, always has. Like Ben, this stemmed from his fathers disapproval, but unlike him everything he did in his life was to prove himself worthy to his father. How his dad would disapprove now.

He hated the thought of his family seeing him in a shirt like the one he had on. He knew what they would assume, although he wasn't sure what he had done wrong up until this moment that made them automatically assume he was... like that.

"What have you done today to make you feel proud." The words sung by both the drag queen on stage, and everyone around him. He thought about it a moment and wasn't sure he had an answer. When everything you do in life is to please others. Sometimes your wants get pushed to the side, and you are left with nothing to be proud of, none of the things you achieve are your achievements, you did them for someone else.

He had Whitney, he thought he loved Whitney. But he's never felt anything quite like what he feels with Ben. He had hoped he could just do what is normal. Do what would make his dad proud. But Ben had stolen all his thoughts, every last one of them was about him. He was trying his hardest to make everyone proud still. He was going to marry Whitney maybe have a couple kids with her. But the guilt he keeps, knowing he cheated on her, knowing he cheated on her with Ben.

Why does life have to be so complicated? It was so simple before Ben came along. Do everything that is expected of you, your feelings be damned. Well there was a moment he slipped up. In the army, he fell for Caleb, nothing happened though which is how he could say no one before Ben, plus he was gone now anyway. So he lied, lied and hid his feelings. But eventually that starts to wear you down. Especially when something comes into your life that you want the way he wanted Ben.

And so, he went to bed, thoughts rolling round his brain, too much for him to sleep. He was sure that Whitney would notice in the morning, he didn't have an excuse ready, maybe he could go for a run as she wakes up.

* * *

When Kathy woke in the morning, she didn't expect to see her son asleep on the sofa covered in blood. Her heart sunk, how could someone be this cruel, especially on pride.

"Ben... wake up, come on" Kathy pleaded, unsure at the extent of his injuries but his face was badly bruised, blood everywhere, and that was just what she could see. Ben woke after a while, jumping a little at his mum being beside him this early in the morning.

"what..." he muttered, still half asleep, but now starting to feel the pain piercing into his side. The memories of last night becoming clearer.

"You've been in some sort of fight, do you remember what happened." Kathy asked, a sense of nervousness in his voice.

"Stuart" he replied, before kicking himself that he was revealing the truth.

"Stuart Highway did this? I saw him giving you a bit of grief in the Albert yesterday but I didn't think..."

"Mum, I've got something to tell you..." Ben started, "But you have to promise you won't tell anyone" he had a nervousness in his voice, a slight sense of regret for everything that happened.

"I promise, what is it son?" Kathy asked, already having an idea as to where it was going, a suspicion.

"It's Callum, we had this thing, but... he doesn't want anything to do with me." Ben sounded hurt by this, it was clear to her that he had fallen for him somewhat. A mothers instinct. 

"Okay... I don't really know how to help you Ben, You can't force him to do anything, though i'm sure you know that. I think honestly you need to give him bit of space. Let's get you cleaned up for now though huh?"

It wasn't long before Ben had left the house, much to his mother's disapproval but he needed to find Callum, even though he knew it wouldn't be the best idea, especially if Stuart saw him but he needed to talk.

Luckily it didn't take long to find him, he was just coming back from a run. Ben could tell that he hadn't had much sleep the night before but decided not to say anything.

"How was pride Callum?" He asked, trying to maintain the snarky, knowing comments. Callum tried his best to ignore him, continue running. It would be easier that way. But that's when he noticed, Ben had been in some sort of fight.

"What happened" He asked, genuine concern laced through his voice.

"Oh what this?" Ben asked, pointing to his face as he did so "This was nothing, just some homophobe, cornered me last night. Nothing I couldn't handle."

There was something about his tone, a further implication that there was something else left unsaid. It didn't take long for Callum to put the pieces together.

"Stuart did this?" He questioned, and Ben didn't have to reply for Callum to know his theory was right. "Oh my god. Ben I'm so sorry, this is all my fault."

"Don't be silly Callum, you didn't do this." Ben replied trying to reassure him. It's funny how everything wrong in Ben's life is his fault but he stands there, telling Callum it ain't his. But Callum is too pure of heart, it's not his fault.

"I told him, you know, about the other night. But I didn't think..." Ben stopped him.

"That still doesn't make this your fault. I'm proud of you, ya know" 

Callum thought about it for a second. Ben was right. He had come out to Stuart, okay he reacted badly, and he would have to talk to him again, make sure Stuart knew this wasn't Ben manipulating him, he actually wanted this.

But Callum came out to his brother, and that was a big deal, and for he first time in his life, he felt proud of himself. 

That was down to Ben, and he loved him for it.

**Author's Note:**

> If you liked this, or have any prompts for a next fic, please let me know in the comments. It means a lot to me.


End file.
